so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You made out with two different species that night
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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