Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
