All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
