wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
