Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
