it was like fucking gandolphs beard
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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