im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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