Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
