Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
