hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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