I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh god it's open bar.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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