There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
