are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
