Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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