I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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