community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
