can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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