Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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