Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
