I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I could fuck to npr.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
