Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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