i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
