Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
