you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
