New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
