You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
babies were throwing up all over the place
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
