my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
