I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
