my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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