if i can run in heels then i can drive
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
