You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
