I accidentally burped into my bong.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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