If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
