God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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