a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
