the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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