Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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