Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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