I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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