You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
