I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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