i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
