My sheets look like a crime scene.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
