glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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