Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
