i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he thought i was a dude.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Randomize
