I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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