Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
