my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
