So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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